Yours Irreverently September 2016
Top gags from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
The Fringe, a key part of the famous Edinburgh Festival, is renowned for being the best place to spot new and emerging comedy talent – and a judging panel sits through some 60 different comedy performances before selecting their favourite gags. These are then put anonymously to 2 000 people, who then vote for the jokes they found the funniest.
Our top five in the top 15 this year:
- 'My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart.' - Masai Graham
- 'Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…' - Stuart Mitchell
- 'I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10.' - Mark Watson
- 'Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.' - Tiff Stevenson
- 'Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first.' - Michelle Wolf
Our top five in the top 15 last year:
- 'I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.' - Darren Walsh
- 'Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West.' - Stewart Francis
- 'What's the difference between a "hippo" and a "Zippo"? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.' - Masai Graham
- 'Jesus fed 5 000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.' - Mark Nelson
- 'Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day' - Tom Parry
Brilliant pub chalkboards
How some drinking establishments go the extra mile in their attempts to entice customers in off the street with their sparkling, chalk-scrawled witticisms.
- 'Something witty and thought-provoking.' (That's what the boss told me to write on the chalkboard).
- Tea. Coffee. Cocaine. We have two of three... Come in and find out!
- Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad...
- Our coffee is an experience that chalk is unable to convey...
- Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat...
- Come in and meet your future ex-wife...
- Today's Special: Buy ONE BEER for the price of TWO, and receive a second BEER ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (One in 365 people will think this sign is spooky!)
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst...
- 'Coffee keeps me busy until its acceptable to drink wine!' Come in for BOTH!
- Soup of the Day: Whiskey
- FREE (wifi) (great) BEER
Tweet of the month
At a funeral and the company that closes graves is standing-by, #deathby the motto on their overalls: 'We Are The Last People To Let You Down'
Quip of the month
'The difference between a chef and a cook is the difference between a wife and a prostitute. Cooks do meals for people they know and love. Chefs do it anonymously for anyone who's got the price.' AA Gill, The Times columnist